Tell kiwifruit pals like Australians
9 things you should never say to a New Zealander
New Zealanders are famous around the world for being some of the happiest, most carefree people on the planet. They are literally known for being as friendly as a bunch of people to hope for. With that in mind, however, there are a few things that could get under a kiwi's skin. Here's our guide on how not to accidentally tick them.
First, there's not just one thing to say to a proud New Zealander who is behaving like a red rag to a cop. There are a few different things you should never say unless you foolishly want your standard friendly kiwi to froth on your mouth.
"New Zealand is just this Australian island."
Let's go this route first. You can't go around saying things like that. Period. It would be like saying, "Oh, Canada is just a little way over America" or something like that. Have some tact, and if you have tact then use common sense or you somehow deserve the inevitable punch in the ear.
"Where are you in Australia?"
The best tip we can give you here is that if you are not sure if the person you are talking to is from New Zealand or Australia then don't guess. Ask. Australians are just as proud as kiwis and they are easy to label. Try doing these faux pas in a pub after about 10pm if you need our advice.
"Put another shrimp on the barbie, buddy!"
No, just no. They're called shrimp anyway. It's just the old thing about a joke that's funny once - maybe twice - and then it gets old faster than a politician makes a promise on election day. Kiwis are here all the time, and what makes it especially annoying is that it's the Aussies who are supposed to have a penchant for throwing their shrimp at the barbie.
"Football is so much better than rugby."
It may or may not, but when you are in New Zealand you can assume that football is no better than rugby. Not nearly. It would be like going to a church in Mexico and saying that Scientology is much better than Christianity. No sane person would do it. The fact of the matter is that New Zealand is home to the most successful sports franchise in history - the All Blacks - and you can't really argue with that.
"It just has to be like Lord of the Rings."
This is very similar to the prawns mentioned above in the Barbie scenario. It's an old joke at the time. As proud as New Zealand is that one of their homegrown sons - Sir Peter Jackson - managed to make such a massively popular and hit movie (Return of the King is for the most Oscars ever won by a single film) not so eager when they are basically told that they are hobbits.
"Minced meat and cheesecake are gross."
Whatever your opinion of the humble but beloved, ground beef and cheesecake, it's just better to assume that when it comes to whether or not they taste good, it is taboo. You wouldn't go to a sushi place in Japan and tell the sushi master that you'd rather be in an elevator with Kim Kardashian for five hours than eat another piece of uncooked octopus, would you? Of course not. Aside from hurting his feelings, at the most basic level he just couldn't understand why you didn't think his raw octopus was delicious. It's the same as kiwi fruit and cake. They won't be mad at you, they just won't understand and may think that you are a little bothered.
"Russell Crowe is my favorite Australian actor."
Yes, the man now lives in Australia, but there's no denying that he was born and raised in Wellington, New Zealand. A New Zealander will suspect that you are either artificial or you are just an idiot and you will be free to reap the rewards of whatever you choose to do next.
"How many sheep did you fuck?"
Ah, the ancient barb. This is a classic line that kiwis hear from many Australians at sporting competitions - and after around 17 liters of beer. The Welsh also know the pain of this line. All that can be said is that if you choose to thwart this, then you should be better able to run fast - at least faster than a stone or jandal can be thrown. There used to be 20 sheep in New Zealand, but now there are only seven to one. By comparison, Australia has three sheep for each person, while Wales only has four. Please note that knowing these statistics will not save you from your fate if you let this slip to a New Zealander at the end of the day.
"Well, New Zealand is part of the Commonwealth, so Britain technically owns you."
Unsurprisingly, this is viewed as very bad form. Not as much as it was, as New Zealanders are often quite excited that their descendants have either been evicted from the UK or abandoned of their own accord and ended up in this Pacific paradise. They could shake their heads and call any British who tell them a "pom", which means "prisoner of mother England".
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