Why do couples have sex outside of marriage

Little sex? That is what the couples therapist advises!

Seriously, we've all had boring or too little sex - even with the person we love. An expert explained to us why this doesn't have to be a long-term problem and how to change it.
by Tina Epking (interview)

Most over 40-year-olds have been with their partners for a long time - which is basically very nice. However, this sometimes leads to a problem: Little sex. Or boring sex. Or sometimes no more sex at all. Is it all just a phase? Can a Sexless Marriage Be Happy? What do you do when things stop working in bed? And is it perhaps quite simply possible to rekindle old passions? We asked the couple therapist Vera Matt from Berlin - and received very enlightening answers.

Barbara.de:Do you often see couples who have stopped having sex?

Vera Matt: Yes, it happens a lot, especially in long-term relationships. These couples feel very alone thinking they are doing something wrong. This is a completely normal development and can be explained logically. It is foreseeable that such phases will come. It has nothing to do with the fact that a couple is weird or prude.

But is it normal when a couple who have been together for a long time no longer has sex?

Yes. In the beginning you just want to be alone as a couple, the hormones go crazy. With a computed tomography one could see that in a couple in love the same areas in the brain are active as in drug intoxication or an acute mad attack. Being in love is stark. That changes in the course of establishing a relationship and one asks oneself "Who am I if I am not us?". These are extreme poles, a successful partnership swims between these two poles. You are completely with yourself, you are authentic, you know who you are, but you have the other in your heart. This is an extremely fragile structure because many couples have the overhang close by, they slip into a symbiosis and a brotherhood and sisterhood that explains part of the problem. There the libido disappears in favor of familiarity. Constant arguments also contribute to the fact that you don't feel like it anymore or when someone doesn't know who they are. The other possibility is that someone seeks the confirmation that he does not get in the relationship outside and falls in love with others.

"You have to ask yourself: why do we have little sex?"

Can it be a solution to get pleasure outside of the relationship?

You have to see that in a differentiated way. There are couples for whom this works: Those who have already been to swinger clubs and swapped partners. But when a couple lives strictly monogamous and wants to get a fresh cell cure for their own love life from the outside, it usually falls on their feet. Then it is often poison to see that you may not be desired yourself, but your partner desires others.

But what do I practically do when I've been with my partner for many years and nothing works?

That is the exciting question. You have to make the context bigger, ask yourself: What happened? Why does nothing work anymore? Why do we have little sex? Has sex become a routine? Does one demand sex and the other doesn't want to because of it? Could it be that the needs have changed? Could it be that the sex is perceived as bad and boring? Are there maybe power games? There is also a glorified view of yourself, but there is boring sex in every relationship. The expectations are often far too high. If you ask yourself all of this and know what's going on, if you add new practices, toys, lubricants, massage and tantra and so on - then you will eventually find the solution.

So is the first step always talking?

Talking too much is also bad. There are couples who just talk about it. It is mostly a vicious circle: one refuses, the other demands because the partner refuses. There has to be a looseness.

"Sexuality always takes place in tension"

But how do you get it? Where do I start best?

The recipe is to clarify what sexuality means for the couple. Is it about orgasm, about releasing tension? Or are you looking for an encounter. You have to see how you meet. Have I just become furniture? Does the partner still see me as a person? And as a matter of course I see my partner. If so, the sex is usually little and boring. It's not just about being nicer, sometimes it's hot to scream too. Above all, it's about being more authentic and more mindful. To look at what the other is feeling, who he is right now. Sexuality always takes place in tension, not in symbiosis and not in conflict. Women mostly want to be noticed, they want an encounter. Sex is often billed in terms of quantity, and quality is also important. Demand regulates the market, so the weaker one is the one who wants more.

And if nothing really works anymore in a relationship: Can it work in the long run?

There are couples who agree that they are super parents, a super team and a super flat share. They act as best friends, you can do that. But there are couples who have a different claim. That's why the first thing you have to do is work on identity, work on values. What do i want to go Where do you want to go? Authenticity is important to a relationship.

"I am happy about every couple who come to me freshly in love"

When do the questions no longer help? When do you need a therapist?

I am in favor of making relationships and love studies at school even before sex education. Simply so that you are clear about certain dynamics. The faster, the earlier you do this, the better you know the basic laws. I think it's better to do one or two hours early than ten or more sessions later out of the pain. I am happy about every couple who come to me freshly in love so that it stays intense and beautiful. These couples don't want to end up like their parents, who split up or fight all the time. This is a trend that continues to grow. You can do a lot there, talk about distances and values ​​and thus prevent them. Every couple is individual and needs individual solutions.

Speaking of individual couples: It's not always just women who don't feel like it. Is it true that more and more men refuse?

Yeah, I even had a young man in his thirties sitting here last week who didn't want to anymore. Women are deeply offended and hurt and feel unfeminine because they fail to seduce him. This is extreme for women because they mostly don't know it and think they are bad or ugly.

What advice can you give to such women?

They ask whether they really have an authentic desire for sex or whether they do so because they want to strengthen the relationship or reduce the risk of escape. Often it turns out that they don't feel like it themselves, but there are other issues. For example, that the man does not see her, is not paying attention, or works too much.

Can you do that again?

Clear yes. The basic question must be clarified, then a field of tension arises again, a basis for meeting and rediscovering each other. Then pleasure can arise again.

Vera Matt is a couples therapist, alternative practitioner, specialist therapist for clinical hypnosis, mediator, supervisor and coach. She has been self-employed with her practice for coaching and psychotherapy in Stuttgart and Berlin since 2000.

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