How vulnerable are you emotionally
When my blogger colleague Nils Terborg wrote to me recently and told me about the blog parade on the subject of “My most important relationship experience”, I was immediately Fire and flame.
I've been planning to write something about relationships for a long time - now the time has finally come.
The year is 2002. I still remember exactly how my girlfriend at the time smashed in my face that she flirted with some bartender on vacation and this statement with one of them "... and I liked it very much" crowned.
Suddenly I no longer knew where the front and back were. Everything was spinning in my head and I had to collect myself for a moment.
I wouldn't even call that feeling back then jealousy. It was just a huge, indefinable mess. I was plain Overwhelmed with the situation and incredible unsure.
A thousand thoughts shot through my head:
- Would she leave me now
- Doesn't she love me anymore
- Was there more going on?
- Are you missing something?
Between this tirade of diffuse all kinds of things, I knew one thing very well: under no circumstances should my girlfriend notice what was going on with me.
A "Yes, it's okay." was therefore the only thing I was able to stammer.
My friend looked at me incredibly aghast and no longer understood the world.
No wonder, I certainly didn't understand the world.
Why had I just said the exact opposite of what I was actually feeling - why wasn't I honest about my emotional chaos?
What I still remember very clearly today is the feeling of an invisible wall between me and my girlfriend at that moment - only I couldn't put it into words at the time.
Our connection has been weakened.
Table of Contents: This is what awaits you in this article
The emotional protective wall
Today I know: At that time I had built an emotional protective wall around me.
This protective wall reliably kept everything that came too close to me inside.
That's why I tried hard not to let my insecurity show.
The emotional risk was too great for me back then. I was afraid of being weak or maybe even being abandoned by her if I told her the truth.
Short: I was afraid of getting hurt again - just as I had done a few times with women shortly before my relationship at the time.
This is exactly the topic that will be dealt with today:Vulnerability in relationships.
There are hundreds of ways we humans protect ourselves from harm in relationships.
For example, we set up seemingly impenetrable barriers on the outside so that no one, sometimes not even ourselves, can get inside.
However, all of these possibilities have one thing in common: they stifle everyone Intimacy and closeness in a relationship right in the bud.
But no matter how many seemingly impenetrable barriers we build up, in the end there is never a solution that leads to no more getting hurt in life.
The only chance to deal better with injuries and at the same time develop a greater depth in the relationship is to open up and become one different handling of vulnerability and develop rejection. To learn to let go.
You can find out how to do this in this article.
Vulnerability and radical openness in a relationship
A fulfilling relationship, characterized by closeness and trust, can only develop if I am ready to make myself vulnerable.
- When I honestly communicate how I am doing.
- When I say when something bothers me.
- When I stand by my fears and insecurities.
- When I communicate my deepest needs and wants.
Only when I am completely open can my partner really see who I am. Otherwise he only looks at my protective wall and not behind it.
Who knows what would have happened if I had shown my girlfriend exactly how I was doing.
If I had let her look behind my ramparts and made myself so vulnerable.
If I had been honest about my inner workings.
If I had communicated my uncertainty openly and had confessed to my feelings.
Sure, she could have seen me as weak and left me. The risk is always there. She could also have run away with the damn bartender.
But she might as well have seen that I stand by myself and my feelings. Maybe she would have seen that she could trust me. Because I always tell honestly how I feel.
Above all, however, she could have come a lot closer to my true nature.
That way, our relationship could have grown incredibly deep.
By the way, showing that we are vulnerable does not mean that we do everything we can and take every possible injury with us.
Rather, it means Communicate with complete honesty about how we are feeling.
Opening up like this brings vulnerability, because that's how we sit down "Danger" off, our real, true insides could be rejected - not just our facade.
The thought of it alone doesn't sound like an invitation to a wellness holiday in a five-star hotel. We are all terrified of it - and that is quite normal and a good thing.
Wanting to protect yourself is the most natural thing in the world.
But sometimes we protect ourselves too much.
I'm sure all of us have had some shit in the past that makes us shut up.
Only this situation is over. Unfortunately, we took the automatic protective reaction with us and thus harm ourselves and our relationships with other people.
Vulnerability is not a weakness
Many people associate vulnerability with weakness. But it really means strength.
Because only someone who is strong inside and who is convinced that they are a valuable person, who stands by himself and accepts himself, can open up in this way.
But don't panic ...
If you wouldn't call yourself such a person now, then the path through vulnerability is for you the opportunity to build a higher self-esteem and at the same time to deepen the relationship with your partner.
Self-acceptance is the basis of vulnerability
If we want to go deeper, the prerequisite for this radical openness and vulnerability is self-acceptance.
Your relationship with yourself is the foundation. Nothing is more valuable for a healthy and open relationship with another person than unconditional self-love and self-acceptance.
When we are able, to all of our feelings, character traits and also behaviors "Yes" to say, then we are no longer afraid to show them. What we accept in ourselves, we can show without hesitation.
Instead of isolating ourselves and making ourselves emotionally tight, we can now stay there, stay open, feel and accept the feelings, in this way the connection remains present at present instead of choking off and allowing the glass wall to emerge.
If we learn to stay in the situation instead of running away, then full life opens up to us.
It is always about these crucial moments. The moments when you stand at the fork in the road and have to decide which path to take.
- I take the path of vulnerability - am I risking what?
Or do I take the path of least resistance and only show my unassailable facade?
Don't get me wrong here. It is natural and human to take the second path. Nobody likes to risk feelings of rejection or fear.
But we risk such a relationship on the surface.
You can start very small here. Find situations in which you pull yourself back in your relationship for fear of being hurt. Then act consciously with vulnerability.
- Say it if something is bothering you.
- Let your partner share your feelings.
You will get better and better at it and your willingness to make yourself vulnerable to your partner will also increase. Each time you notice a little more that it's actually not as bad as you always imagine.
This creates a positive spiral up.
You consciously make yourself vulnerable and learn to accept yourself better and better. The more things you accept about yourself, the greater your willingness to make yourself vulnerable.
There is so much more to it Proximity, honesty, trust, openness and Connectedness brought into my relationships.
So: More courage to be vulnerable, here you go
Let us have the courage to communicate our desires more openly and thereby give our relationships more depth.
Let's join ours Weaknesses and insecurities and show them openly.
Let's be brave and every feeling express it authentically.
Let us have the courage to tear down the glass walls between us and our partner and more again in connection to kick.
I much prefer to get hurt now instead of putting on a mask.
Then it just happens - fuck it. For me, however, a life like this is a thousand times more fulfilling than just scratching the surface.
Why do we always wait for the other person to take the first step? Let's be vulnerable and do it ourselves. Let's not wait any longer to clearly show someone that we find them attractive. Let's go first "I love you" say.
Get on your way, it's worth it.
At the blogger-unpack-blog parade, a whole lot more, more wonderful and especially very readable Blogger participated!
You can find more articles on “My Most Important Relationship Experience” here:
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